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Nick Cave. The Red Hand Files. How can you move forward with joy when you outgrow your parents…?

ISSUE #290 / JUNE 2024

How can you move forward with joy when you outgrow your parents, the people who nurtured and loved you, but now feel almost offended by your growth, as if it’s an affront to them because you have different values? They are blinded by ignorance, and one of them revels in it. One is angered by those different from her, bitter at the world and its changing face, trying to drag you back, as if rage and resentment can ever win the day.

JASON, LONDON, UK

Dear Jason,

One of the enduring privileges of advanced parenthood is finally being able to abandon any attempt to live up to the impossible standards set by our children. Instead, we lean back and fall unapologetically into our obsolescence. We understand that we are what we are and hope our children grow into somewhat better versions of ourselves. We feel we have done our bit to improve the world and pray that our children will continue to do so. We also hope that we have raised our children to be strong enough to withstand the generational contempt that will almost certainly come their way when they, in turn, have their own children.

We old people are mostly content to see the world trip and falter toward a more tolerant, inclusive, and merciful version of itself. But we also want it to become less judgemental and sanctimonious, and we pray this is the case as we seek indications of a better world in the actions and opinions of our children. When one of my sons criticises me for holding a view that is a little out of order, or rather less progressive than they would like, I am, on some level, encouraged to see this as evidence that the world is moving in a more positive direction – even as I request they exercise some humility and stop being so self-righteous.

My advice to you, Jason, is to look at your parents with a little more understanding and compassion. Indeed, be joyful in the act! They are, after all, your parents. Try to see them for what they are, mirror images of your future self – lost in a strange and new world that has been constructed around them, just as some day you will be lost in the world that is, at this very moment, unfolding unfathomably around you. My suggestion is to give that terrible, hostile, ignorant, frightened, human mother of yours a hug. If it makes the act more palatable, remember that you are essentially hugging your future self, just as she hugs that which she once was. Once you’ve done that, give her another hug from me. It sounds like she needs it.

Love, Nick

Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young – Teach Your Children (Official Music Video)

You’re watching the official music video for Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young – “Teach Your Children” written by Graham Nash. Originally released on the 1970 CSNY studio album “Deja Vu”, “Teach Your Children” is featured on a 2018 Graham Nash career retrospective entitled “Over The Years…” Get a copy here The video is a collaboration between Graham Nash and celebrated filmmaker and animator Jeff Scher. The imagery frames the youth-led liberal activism of 2018 against the backdrop of the Civil Rights Movement and Peace demonstrations of the 1960’s, providing a powerful visual aid to Graham Nash’s relevant-as-ever appeal to teach not only our children but also our parents well. “I wrote Teach Your Children because we have much to teach them. Conversely, I believe we as parents have much to learn from them as well. I think that Jeff Scher did a wonderful job of animating my lyrics and positioning the song in a contemporary setting.” – Graham Nash (2018)

You, who are on the road
Must have a code you try to live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a goodbye

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